Monday, December 7, 2009
To the Office of General Fulfillment: Rush Delivery
You would be surprised at the number of letters we send on to "General Fulfillment" because they are not actually inappropriate!
There are so many mistakes possible in judging what's right and wrong in a letter to Santa that the types of things we send back through GF span a very wide range. For example, an apparently obscene letter created by an illiterate person, or a developmentally disabled one -- or even a physically ill or emotionally disabled person in some cases -- might only require a more careful interpretation to be read as intended. But other things such as "Santa please let me join the boys' football team I love football here's some pictures I took of my whole body in a plaster cast with a football I was making a statue of myself for the Football Hall of Fame...I love football! My idol is Joe G from down the block. I modeled my torso after his since mine doesn't look the same now that I got the new size training bra. Love, Lexi-Ann" are simply not inappropriate under Santa's guidelines.
Santa included a few pages of guidance on this matter in the new hire orientation packet, but I didn't read it carefully at the time because it was in the form of a chronological list of events and I thought it was just a history of the department. It is sort of a history of the department, kind of...but Santa's way of putting it is more like, "In the year x, this subject came to my attention, I made a determination, and this theme is hereafter not inappropriate." Santa's so formal sometimes, in the way he writes!! But then, not one sentence and a paragraph break later, he gets down and dirty describing the themes of requests he would send back to General Fulfillment. I mean, and actually, he's so progressive it's inspiring...but you have to remember he's spent the last 100-some years broadening his spiritual development through the practice of accepting human eccentricities.
Since my position covers eccentricities, evidence of genius creativity in overdrive, thwarted development, misconstrued body image, post-traumatic stress, linguistic limbo, internalized social judgment, transformations of cultural identity, transformations of gender, documentation of mystical experiences, transformations of religious identity, ghetto fabulousness, audio-format letters that no one can understand, and extremes of fashion (this is a partial list), Santa saw it fit to place stars next to a few paragraphs in the Guidance Packet.
I still haven't fully realized why there is a star next to "letters on the subject of Amelia Earhart", but perhaps my understanding of that is yet to come.
Posted by Jeremy Lewis at 2:50 PM