Tuesday, December 8, 2009

This One Has Me Stumped.

So, I know I'm still new, but up until now I've been able to operate pretty smoothly here (no writer's block...no problems getting my return letters posted, still TOTALLY ECSTATIC about THIS EXCELLENT JOB!, etc). But this letter is definitely weird and I don't know how to answer it. I am fairly certain that it is inappropriate (and also indicative of some sticky business).

"Dear Santa,
I wanted to talk to you face to face but I have to catch a 7AM bus to N.J. to get ($$$) a loan from my cousin Linda to bring to court tomorrow.
No matter what happens tomorrow, I hold no grudges or bad feelings toward you. We have a beautiful son Santa. I am very tired of all the confusion. My attitude is very different than it has been.
Santa I'll be 46 years old this year and it's time for the madness between us to stop. I will be there for Justin _no matter what_ [that was underlined], from now on. I will totally cooperate with you from a financial, educational, and emotional standpoint.
Starting next Monday I am and will be giving you 75.00 a week and periodic "lump sums" over time. Justin deserves that and much much more! I promise to live by what I am saying SO HELP ME GOD. (YOU'LL SEE)
If I am not exactly on time in court it's because I'm in route. [sic] I have learned to love you as my sister, and I respect you as my son's MOTHER I will always care about you.
God bless you.
Sincerely, Donald"

Ummmmmm...so I THINK this is a letter from some guy named Donald to his ex, who probably really is the mother of his child, and for some reason he just inserted "Santa" in place of whatever her name is, and sent it off to the North Pole.

You know, there are some really prime gems in the archive here (some of them are framed, too...) representing the idiots who try to blackmail Santa. We hang on to the blackmail letters, both for legal purposes and because it does no good and is clearly not in the spirit of Christmas to respond to threats of blackmail. But somehow, I just don't think that's what this letter is. I hope it doesn't take me all day to find out what else Donald has been up to this year.

Sigh. I have the feeling a significant portion of my job may involve responding to jerks attempting to use Santa as their punching bag. At least I'm allowed to throw parties in the break room!

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