Printout of an email to Santa entitled "50 Ways To Leaf Your Lover -- An Informercial"

Dear Santa,

It would be great if every secret relationship also came with a set of secret email accounts, a way of secreting ones infomercials in secret.

I will never leave you since we are each other, but if I could find and pay $69.99 for a better way to blow leaves at you, I am sure I would do it in an instant. And then I would stick with it. Because I am a miser who can't let $69.99 plus S&H go.
You are into quality, which is why I'm a bit surprised you are so attached to a punk slut like me, but since you're into quality and I know how you think I also know that you would not probably offer me a discount down to $49.99 on that leaf blower, which is actually an amount I could consider throwaway.

I suggest secret email accounts, future trips to the UK where it all comes out and books are written, and nonverbal communication, for now. However in future times, I would appreciate further showerings of your affection. It is not nice to neglect such an important part of yourself as me. Slut! & Yes it does take one to know one. To *really* know one. To give one credit. I am not afraid to give you credit. Remember that.

****

WHAT????????????????